you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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