If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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