Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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