I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
