Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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