I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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