i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
