I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
