I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
