is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
