nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
