you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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