Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
