I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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