I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
