I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
