she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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