Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
