Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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