sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
