i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Randomize
