i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
