are you so shy because you have an std?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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