Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Why are your pants in the freezer?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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