I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
