This is not my ceiling
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
is wine microwaveable?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
