Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
