I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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