Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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