Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
