She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
