We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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