Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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