I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
