so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
