Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
