The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
