So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
