i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
