We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
