A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
