Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
