yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
