My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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