My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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