Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
