i jhust puked up my retainher.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
