He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
