I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
