i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
