smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
