My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
